I look back to little, sweet, innocent Jill-from-the-past and want to smack her. "Why did you apply to grad school?" "Where did you get this grand idea to fork over time, money, and energy on something that, so far, has not given anything back?" And the best question: "Why do people spend so much money and time applying to graduate school because, really, you are paying to go to hell."
These are my thoughts on and off every few days. When I applied I imagined that it might be like undergrad. Maybe a little harder and maybe not as sunny but still doable. And yet everyday I feel like I've lost control of something. This is a constant inner dialogue: "Yay, got my lesson plan done! Oh wait, I have a test to study for? Oh what, I have 15 more hours this week of TAing? My lesson plan isn't right? Oops, I forgot about that paper. Shoot, we need to have already started on our research project? Sure, no problem, I'll help with the aphasia study this week. I didn't know we needed to read that. No! I forgot to bill my client. Whoops, didn't realize I needed to be meeting objectives already. Geez, I did really bad on that test. Crap, I forgot to get dressed this morning!"
Well, maybe not the last one but, you get the idea. And here is the kicker-- I've only been in school for a month. Imagine crazy, neurotic me in a few months time. My poor bunny is even feeling the effects. I'm doing that whole "guilty mom" thing where I feed him every time I see him to make him happy. Poor, fat, lonely bunny.
I can tell you, especially those undergrads that are hoping to apply this year, there are the rewards. Therapy sessions are great, the education is so interesting, and my fellow classmates are awesome. I think my biggest issue is myself. I'm used to being the best or, if not the best, at least on top of things. And the thing is: my life isn't even hard. I go to school with moms and people who work almost full-time jobs. But, here I am, with just school, TAing, research, and therapy to worry about and still can't get it under control. Let's be honest here, it isn't normal to cry (snotty nose and all) during class, right? I swear I sometimes get the urge to get out all my tests from last year and run around campus yelling, "I used to be smart! I used to be smart!"
On second thought if I ever find little, sweet, innocent Jill-from-past again, I'll hug her and give her a to-do list. Obviously she had the faith and determination to get it done.
Hi Jill! I know exactly how you feel! Grad school is so tough but it will go by so quickly and you will be so amazed by how much you learn in such a short period of time. I've had a number of meltdowns myself and I've learned the beauty of "power crying", but as someone about to start her final quarter of classes, I can assure you that it is so worth it! Even though there may be days where it seems like the worst decision in the world. And unfortunately, the stream of mistakes continues (I biffed part of an assessment yesterday), but just remember that you aren't expected to know it all or be a perfect SLP-- otherwise you wouldn't have to go to grad school (and I would be crazy jealous!) Hang in there! You'll be great!! "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength!" Philippians 4:13
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have to comment on this one. I'm thinking to myself as I read this, "Did she find one of my past vent sessions, transcribe it, and publish it to her blog?" Grad school ate me alive, too, and I can relate to the "I used to be smart" comment SO much. How can a person accept going from a 4.0 to HOPING for a B-? Grad school is a sick place and you will make it through. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Sara & Chelsea. I definitely have my hard days but I know it'll be worth it in the end. I mean, I get to turn out like you guys someday, that's awesome :). I love the words of encouragement-- it means so much that you took the time to read and post, THANK YOU!
ReplyDelete